I really do not like Christmas. It hasn't always been that way, but somewhere down the line I went from enjoying it to dreading it. Actually, I do remember when the cog slipped and I started wanting to avoid Christmas like the plague. I know when, if not exactly why, but that's not something to talk about here.
That feeling of dread was re-enforced when the ex decided the holidays were a good time to rip his family apart by leaving a week before Christmas. I know it's my choice how I handle things, but it's difficult not to remember this time of year as a sad anniversary because the time from Thanksgiving through Christmas is so thoroughly ingrained as a time for families.
I don't want to hear that I will make new memories. I know that will happen and I look forward to when it does. I am not so far gone that I don't realize I still have my little family, albeit, minus one. I AM thankful for what remains. What I would like to do is to be able to stop mourning the past, to not care that his leaving makes that past feel like a lie.
What's more idiotic is the fact that I feel sorry for him. He has to live with knowing what he threw away. I can't be sure it even registers with him that his relationships with his daughter and grandchildren are filtered and diluted because of what he did. Maybe his "new" family makes up for it. Maybe it wasn't ever as important to him as I had thought. I'll never know, but I pity him for changing the course of his life so drastically as to affect the lives of the people who loved him the most in such a way that excludes him from a bigger part in their lives.
It's all too sad. I would like to go to sleep the day after Thanksgiving and wake up on New Year's Day to avoid it all.
10 comments:
I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you. I am sorry for the pain that you're in.
Hang in there, YM.....like Answers? said, we can't really spout anything magical to take the hurt away, but we can BE here for you.
And you're right....he is to be pitied. "New, exciting and hot" aren't what you reflect upon as you're exiting this life. What a shame for him.
Your daughter and grandchild are fortunate to have you reliably in their immediate corner. xo
Thanks you two. I gotta quit being such a negative nelly.
Even with going through your current situation, the problems that you have are just temporary. It will get better.
I'd gladly trade your situation for my one sister and her whacked out family......honest! They think they can use my house as a mutual meeting point during the holidays, because they don't get along and won't let each other in their houses. Some are thieves, some are prescription drug addicts, one is a fraudulent prescription writer who is on probation, and almost all of them are liars.
Anonymous
You are sitting on a gold mine! "E" or Oxygen would make that a reality show in a minute!
To Your Majesty...
It is impossible to to mourn, for years, the loss of something you never had, unless you are delusional and you are not. The fact you mourn, with soul searing grief, what you lost should be assurance enough that the past you had was not a lie.
You built and shared wonderful memories, of the wonderful life and love you had, before the person with whom you shared the majority of your adult life decided to make a horrifically selfish choice. You are, justifiably angry and hurt because you were never consulted prior to having everything you had worked for and had come to depend on, ripped from your heart resulting in your life being torn apart. The injustice of what was done to you, by someone you trusted, makes me, just a friend, have to choke back the bile of anger so I cannot truly imagine how furious you must be at the unfairness of you having to pay such a high price because the father of your child, man you trusted with your life and future would casually betray and throw away everything you had built.
You have an excellent track record of being able to build a good life, great memories and having a positive impact in the lives of the people you love thus, there is every reason to believe, you will, because of your experience and your character, be able to build a better life and a better future, albeit different.
Will you forget having being betrayed? No! Have you been changed due to having been betrayed? Absolutely. Have you been changed for the better? That is up to you.
Keep in mind, it is the CHOICES in our life that determine whether or not we stumble along our path or walk with sure footing. If someone makes a choice that trips you up, that is their bad. It is not fair that you have to pick yourself up after being tripped but your only other choice is not to get up and that is not fair to everyone who loves you and counts on you.
As you have come to realize, people owe it to themselves and those who love them, to make choices that make their life and the lives of their loved ones, better.
Anonymous, change your locks, buy a pit bull, hire a security guard, or put your foot down and tell them you don't need that kind of crap in your home. They'll keep doing it as long as you keep letting them.
Answers LOL
You're a doll, Mzchief. Thank you so much!
I need to read a new post from you. Let's get to crack-a-lackin". I am amused.
So YOU are YM on my blog! I enjoy reading about you and your life.
Our lives seem to be quite similar. I'll have to write more about my divorce. Sounds very close to yours.
My ex left at Christmas time, too. Must be that their "girl-friends" finally gave the ultimatum. Why else would someone walk out at that time after such a long marriage?
I look forward to reading more.
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