When I was younger I had a closer relationship with God, but as time went on I distanced myself from my beliefs and convictions and let the world in. Things were good and I could take care of myself, and when things got bad I questioned God's existence because I felt a loving God would not allow bad things to happen, yet bad things happen - - horrible things happen - - things worse than any I have experienced happen all the time. I was pissed off at a God I wasn't sure existed.
Last night at my divorce care group meeting someone said something that really struck home. Sometimes God allows bad things to happen to bring us back to a closer relationship with Him. This made so much sense to me and it gave me an answer to the question "why?" that I have been searching for for 3 years. Although I was happy in my marriage I was letting the world carry me away. He allowed the destruction of my life in order for me to return to Him. During the darkest hours I felt God had turned his back on me because I had turned my back on Him so in between bouts of questioning Him, I did not feel worthy of any comfort. Since I hadn't thanked him for my blessings why would I be worthy of His comfort? And that's what He was trying to get me to do all along!
Another aha moment from last night - He's been carrying me through it all. He has provided enough for all my needs. He has seen to it that I have been sheltered and fed. He has provided comfort in friends and family. None of this was due to anything I have done, it's all through Him.
The only thing that has ever held me back is me because God has always been here.
Now we'll see if I can practice what I preach.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Grousing
In trying to finish the painting yesterday, I spilled a jar of oil painting medium on the table and floor. What a sticky, icky mess to clean up. It's a good thing I like the scent of that concoction because my whole house smells like an artist's studio now.
$13 down the hatch. My clumsiness pisses me off.
While I am venting, here's another thing that pisses me off. When you come to a busy 4 way stop and you're waiting for someone who got there first to go because it IS their turn and they start waving and gesturing like a maniac for you to go as if you're the village idiot and they're the stop sign God, at the very least I want to reciprocate by giving them a very significant and vulgar hand gesture. At the most I want to ram them head on.
My ex did that. Which probably explains why it bugs me so much.
I have been in this house nearly a year! I had to renew my lease this month. I second guess everything I do these days. When I moved back to this town from Ft. Worth I just knew I was going to find a job here because everything else had worked out so neatly and conveniently that I thought this was where I was meant to be. So far on the job front, not so much. Still, some things ARE better.
I wish I'd changed my last name back to my maiden name in the divorce decree. During the divorce process there were a number of reasons I didn't do it. I'd had this last name for 31 years and felt it would be too difficult to get used to using my maiden name again. I didn't want to have to change my name on my driver's license, social security card, school records, leases, etc. And there were a couple of other reasons I won't elaborate on which were a stupid reasons anyway. I could change my last name now but it would cost me so I guess I'll keep the one I've got.
Do you ever get tired of living in your own head?
$13 down the hatch. My clumsiness pisses me off.
While I am venting, here's another thing that pisses me off. When you come to a busy 4 way stop and you're waiting for someone who got there first to go because it IS their turn and they start waving and gesturing like a maniac for you to go as if you're the village idiot and they're the stop sign God, at the very least I want to reciprocate by giving them a very significant and vulgar hand gesture. At the most I want to ram them head on.
My ex did that. Which probably explains why it bugs me so much.
I have been in this house nearly a year! I had to renew my lease this month. I second guess everything I do these days. When I moved back to this town from Ft. Worth I just knew I was going to find a job here because everything else had worked out so neatly and conveniently that I thought this was where I was meant to be. So far on the job front, not so much. Still, some things ARE better.
I wish I'd changed my last name back to my maiden name in the divorce decree. During the divorce process there were a number of reasons I didn't do it. I'd had this last name for 31 years and felt it would be too difficult to get used to using my maiden name again. I didn't want to have to change my name on my driver's license, social security card, school records, leases, etc. And there were a couple of other reasons I won't elaborate on which were a stupid reasons anyway. I could change my last name now but it would cost me so I guess I'll keep the one I've got.
Do you ever get tired of living in your own head?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Never met a cliché I didn't like
I had a different blog a long time ago that I deleted. The difference between this blog and that one is like night and day. I never had a problem coming up with something to write about then, now I mostly wonder why I bother. I suppose the biggest difference is that I thought I knew who I was then, and now I am trying to reinvent or rediscover myself. It's confusing to live a life for so long one way then to suddenly start living a completely different way. Being an introvert sort of hampers the "get up and go" needed to make head way.
Just felt the need to explain the irregularity of my blogging.
Just felt the need to explain the irregularity of my blogging.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)