We Are Not Amused

When I was younger I found having faith was easy. I prayed all the time, and I believed it worked even though the outcome of those prayers was not always what I wanted, because after all, sometimes the answer is a resounding no. It's different now. I wouldn't say I've lost my faith in a supreme being. I can't look at the beauty of nature and think it was an accident, but I think God is not playing as interactive a role in our lives as I thought when I was younger. We might be God's creation but after we're dropped here we're on our own to sink or swim. It's a matter of, "tag, you're it, now what are you going to do."

Maybe I am jaded. Maybe I got tired of hearing no, because I prayed desperate prayers when my marriage was in trouble. I thought, surely, God would listen and help me make it right because marriage is a Godly institution. And who in their right mind would give up on 31 years of marriage. What I am realizing now is that all the rules we have held holy are man made rules. While they are good, practical, humane guidelines that lead to a peaceful existence if followed, they aren't ordained by God. They're really not that different from the criminal laws we are expected to follow.

Yet my fundamentalist upbringing makes me scared to think this way, and I feel like a hypocrite when I'm asked to pray for someone knowing I don't feel like it works. I still say it anyway. If nothing else, at least the person asking knows they're in my thoughts.