Yesterday it would have been 33 years. I've been doing so much better but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around his leaving. Most days I'm okay and then I hit a milestone and it sucks me in again. I used to think if I just knew WHY I could move on more easily, but that's not true. It doesn't ever get easier, you just learn how to cope with it more efficiently. I'm more angry now than anything. How dare he use up the best years of my life then leave me! What kind of prick can look you in the eye and make you believe he loves you when at the same time he's cheating on you?! How can 31 years with someone matter so little..All that time I lost makes me sick.
He was just a sad imitation of the person I thought he was.
I was such a mouse during my marriage. I let myself depend on him totally. He fostered my dependence too, the fucker. I am angry at myself for not seeing through him and for not claiming more independence. I'm not what you'd call outgoing now, but I'm learning to take care of myself.
Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn in this lifetime.
10 comments:
I understand how you can be pissed, you should be. ((hugs!))
YM, my philosophy is to win, you must take those years and keep them close to your heart as the happy ones you thought they were, not the sham he made them become and use them as a reminder of what love and life felt like when you were happy. It is possible to be happy again if you let it not stop you. By spending so much of your time and energy hating, you are missing the love and happiness that is in your path. I say this from VAST experience in this matter of the the heart, YM, and used to cringe at the time I wasted on these feelings, now I use that energy to make ME happy any way I can. Don't let him make you a bitter person, let the love you had become a stepping stone to a happier you. (I know it sounds gushy and you are hurting but baby steps still lead you to the right door!) I wish you peace and quiet and the strength to let no man (or person) define what makes you happy.
Gia
(stepping off my soapbox now)
I really do appreciate the good thoughts. I feel like I am working through it and being angry is a natural stage to go through.
It's through anger that you begin to heal, sweetheart. Think how good it have felt to throw plates at his silly fat head - and if you can bring yourself to feel sorry for him, that's healing too, because you just KNOW that his new bitch is going to cheat on him....mwhaha.
Love you Jennie Wren
You did not waste a single day, during your marriage, because each day, of your marriage, you were working toward become the AWESOME person you are today. Being married to your ex-husband enabled you to have your daughter and grandchildren. Would you really trade having been married to your louse of a spouse if it meant giving up your daughter and grandchildren?
You do not have to forgive your ex-husband but being angry at someone who does not care only hurts you.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
How does one stop being angry? I don't like being angry but just telling myself to stop hasn't worked. I really wish I could crawl out of my head and be someone else for a while. I need a break from it.
Mz, he doesn't know I am angry, but you're right, he wouldn't care.
To Your Majesty...
You have come to the realization that your ex-spouse is a lying, selfish, double crossing, slithering snake of a rat-bastard who lacks the integrity to even feel guilt over having caused you incalculable pain due to his betrayal of your trust and his oath and is beyond redemption.
Why are you not thankful to be away from such a loser and to no longer be wasting your time with a slime ball like your ex?
Anger is just as difficult a habit to kick as is alcohol. Just like an alcoholic, you have to keep telling yourself, That crap will ruin my life or kill me if I so much as take a sip. Every time you feel that that tightness in your throat and churning in your gut, take a few deep cleansing breathes, slowly exhale and think of the greatest joys of your life. The douche bag you married, when you were a young girl, who did not know better, is not worthy of a moments concern of the wise woman you have become.
There are days when I do think I am better off, but 31+ years is a long time to love someone. You have more faith in my wisdom than I do hahah.
You have spent, countless hours, nearly everyday, since your divorce, working on becoming self sufficient and have been quite successful. Healing your heart and soul takes the same level of commitment and effort. Just like bombing a test is not an indicator that you will never succeed neither is being gripped by anger, regret and grief an indicator that you will never recover. It just means, you need to study/work harder.
Two years ago you would have never believed you could learn the things you have learned or achieve your current level of professional success. There is no reason to doubt you will be equally if not more successful when it comes to healing your heart.
I don't mean to be pig-headed. I know how to study for a test to make better grades, but I don't know what to study to heal myself after losing my marriage.
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